it is what it is...

After however long it has been since my last post, I am sure this is not the post you were hoping for, nor is it my ideal post. I having been thinking about this a lot lately and just need to get some things off my chest. Please understand that we are really happy, and what I am about to announce for the world to read is what is going on. We want another baby, and have for some time now. It's no secret that it took us two years to get pregnant with the love of our life last time. But when everyone says, and I mean everyone, "oh good, now it won't take you as long next time because your body will just recognize it"...hmm. Everyone...you don't know me! Shame on me for thinking we would just get pregnant right away. Who do I think I am setting myself up for failure again? Why do people think it is so easy to get pregnant? Why do 15 year old children get pregnant? Why do people who don't want a baby get pregnant? Why do people who don't love their children get pregnant? Why? Why? Why? Lets be honest, I don't get pregnant easily and apparently there is something else in store for us that we don't know about yet, but I wish I did. For anyone who really knows me, they know that I am not patient. For instance, two months ago I sneaked on to see who the Bachelor Brad picks in the end because I just could not wait. But this is so much more than patience for me. I guess it is learning about enduring and remaining faithful and trying to see the good in the situation, wait, is there any good in this situation? I hate when people say they just got pregnant, or they were not planning it, or that they even planned it. I hate that we can't plan our pregnancies. I hate it when people say, "what do you mean by 'trying,' is trying really that bad?"Yes and no! I hate when people ask when we are going to have more kids. I hate that we waited to start trying for 8 months after Liv was born. That was precious baby making time that was wasted! I hate feeling jealous when someone is pregnant, or tells me they are pregnant, or that someone else is pregnant. I mean I am happy for you, until I start wallowing in my own self pity. I hate seeing other people pregnant or with new babies. I hate that I cry every month when I am reminded that I am not pregnant. I hate when people say just relax about it and it will happen. Who do you think you are? I hate that everywhere I go I am reminded of the thing that we want the most right now. I hate that I have to google the best ways and times to get pregnant, or that I have to read what fertility treatments will do. I hate that I hate this so much! So here I am, being reminded yet again, that I am not pregnant after a round of treatments. It would have been lucky to have it work on the first try. It would have been lucky to get pregnant over 15 months ago. It would have been lucky to get pregnant during acupuncture. We are not the lucky type, oh no, not us. We are the type that have to try really hard, who have to be tested, who have to pee on sticks, and who have to have the doctor tell us when it is best to 'try'. We are not the spontaneous type, well we are not so much right now, because right now more than anything we want to be parents again.

Now that I have aired some of my dirty laundry out to dry, I want you to know something. We are trying to do well with all of this. There are others who are going through this, but much worse. There are others who get pregnant and painfully lose it. There are others who have never experienced pregnancy,birth, and being a mother. There are others who will never even have the option of having a baby. There are others who lose their children after birth. For us, this is our trial, and for us it is what we have chosen, but it is really hard. We have been given so much. We KNOW that when all the stars are aligned this WILL happen for us again. Sometimes this knowledge makes things easier, and sometimes it doesn't(see above). We have a lot of things going for us right now, and we are grateful for all the support we have from family and friends. We feel really good about our decision to get help from a doctor, as opposed to last time when I felt like a number on a conveyor belt being the science project to see what worked best this week. But for the love, if someone could work some sort of magic and send a healthy baby/pregnancy our way, we would be indebted to you forever. I am a pretty open person, well about this anyways. Because last time when we were 'trying' I was not so open for a long time about it, and when I finally became open about it, it helped me more than anything. Realizing I am not the only one out there, realizing there is strength in numbers, realizing I could talk to someone. But for now we wait, we try to wait patiently and most of the time do pretty well at it. We/I have our/my moments. Then my sweet girl comes in and gives me a kiss and I am reminded that we have this. This beautiful, crazy, smart, stubborn little girl who we waited patiently for before. Now she is ours to keep forever, and I would not have it any other way. Because if we wouldn't have gotten pregnant exactly when we did...
she would not be ours today.

We have also had things happening in other areas in our life.
So maybe (maybe) during another nap time we will chat again.