Friday, March 11, 2011

it is what it is...

After however long it has been since my last post, I am sure this is not the post you were hoping for, nor is it my ideal post. I having been thinking about this a lot lately and just need to get some things off my chest. Please understand that we are really happy, and what I am about to announce for the world to read is what is going on. We want another baby, and have for some time now. It's no secret that it took us two years to get pregnant with the love of our life last time. But when everyone says, and I mean everyone, "oh good, now it won't take you as long next time because your body will just recognize it"...hmm. Everyone...you don't know me! Shame on me for thinking we would just get pregnant right away. Who do I think I am setting myself up for failure again? Why do people think it is so easy to get pregnant? Why do 15 year old children get pregnant? Why do people who don't want a baby get pregnant? Why do people who don't love their children get pregnant? Why? Why? Why? Lets be honest, I don't get pregnant easily and apparently there is something else in store for us that we don't know about yet, but I wish I did. For anyone who really knows me, they know that I am not patient. For instance, two months ago I sneaked on to see who the Bachelor Brad picks in the end because I just could not wait. But this is so much more than patience for me. I guess it is learning about enduring and remaining faithful and trying to see the good in the situation, wait, is there any good in this situation? I hate when people say they just got pregnant, or they were not planning it, or that they even planned it. I hate that we can't plan our pregnancies. I hate it when people say, "what do you mean by 'trying,' is trying really that bad?"Yes and no! I hate when people ask when we are going to have more kids. I hate that we waited to start trying for 8 months after Liv was born. That was precious baby making time that was wasted! I hate feeling jealous when someone is pregnant, or tells me they are pregnant, or that someone else is pregnant. I mean I am happy for you, until I start wallowing in my own self pity. I hate seeing other people pregnant or with new babies. I hate that I cry every month when I am reminded that I am not pregnant. I hate when people say just relax about it and it will happen. Who do you think you are? I hate that everywhere I go I am reminded of the thing that we want the most right now. I hate that I have to google the best ways and times to get pregnant, or that I have to read what fertility treatments will do. I hate that I hate this so much! So here I am, being reminded yet again, that I am not pregnant after a round of treatments. It would have been lucky to have it work on the first try. It would have been lucky to get pregnant over 15 months ago. It would have been lucky to get pregnant during acupuncture. We are not the lucky type, oh no, not us. We are the type that have to try really hard, who have to be tested, who have to pee on sticks, and who have to have the doctor tell us when it is best to 'try'. We are not the spontaneous type, well we are not so much right now, because right now more than anything we want to be parents again.

Now that I have aired some of my dirty laundry out to dry, I want you to know something. We are trying to do well with all of this. There are others who are going through this, but much worse. There are others who get pregnant and painfully lose it. There are others who have never experienced pregnancy,birth, and being a mother. There are others who will never even have the option of having a baby. There are others who lose their children after birth. For us, this is our trial, and for us it is what we have chosen, but it is really hard. We have been given so much. We KNOW that when all the stars are aligned this WILL happen for us again. Sometimes this knowledge makes things easier, and sometimes it doesn't(see above). We have a lot of things going for us right now, and we are grateful for all the support we have from family and friends. We feel really good about our decision to get help from a doctor, as opposed to last time when I felt like a number on a conveyor belt being the science project to see what worked best this week. But for the love, if someone could work some sort of magic and send a healthy baby/pregnancy our way, we would be indebted to you forever. I am a pretty open person, well about this anyways. Because last time when we were 'trying' I was not so open for a long time about it, and when I finally became open about it, it helped me more than anything. Realizing I am not the only one out there, realizing there is strength in numbers, realizing I could talk to someone. But for now we wait, we try to wait patiently and most of the time do pretty well at it. We/I have our/my moments. Then my sweet girl comes in and gives me a kiss and I am reminded that we have this. This beautiful, crazy, smart, stubborn little girl who we waited patiently for before. Now she is ours to keep forever, and I would not have it any other way. Because if we wouldn't have gotten pregnant exactly when we did...
she would not be ours today.
We have also had things happening in other areas in our life.
So maybe (maybe) during another nap time we will chat again.

13 comments:

Brittney said...

Trials stink, no matter what they are. I'm sorry about yours. I love ya and hope the best for you. As far as Liv goes, that picture of her is stinkin' adorable. Wish we lived closer so our girlies could play.

Kurt and Lynlee said...

I love how this post is so honest! I may not know what you are going though but I know how out of place Kurt and I felt while in Rexy with no kids and we were "trying." People asked us all the time about kids. I guess it never goes away since here you are trying for number 2. Just know you are not the only person going though this and it's okay to be upset and bummed.

Brittney said...

I just noticed you may not know what our new blog address is.

rbfamily123(dot)blogspot(dot)com

Jimmy, Diane and Bentley said...

Ronae, thank you for sharing this. It was as though I was reading the thoughts in my own brain. Why are we both going through this again together? :( After all our rounds of different drugs, tests, shots, inseminations, etc. for so long, nothing was working to get me to ovulate even after all that crap so we gave up. We felt like we were supposed to stop and move on with our lives. I still cry all the time but for me it has helped some to let it go. I'm able to focus more on Bentley than on the kids we can't have. I'm glad you guys are staying so positive and hopeful and still fighting for this! I know how hard and crappy and painful this is for both of you. I'm so sorry for you guys. Thank you for sharing this, it makes me feel not so alone in this. Love you guys. P.s. call me anytime if you want to cry together :)

Erin Anderson said...

Ronae,
I know you struggled to get pregnant with liv and I wont pretend to know what you are going through but my heart went out to you then and it does now even more. I am so sorry for the trial you have. You are a beautiful person and you have a beautiful family. I hope that you can find support in people who share your experience.

Craig and Stephanie said...

I'm sorry that you are going through this trial. Trials suck. We will be praying for you.

Liv is adorable!

THE GREER FAMILY said...

I wish I could say something comforting, but.... I don't have anything. I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I remember when I got pregnant with Carrie wishing I could "pass the pregnancy" to you. You'd been trying longer and as a friend, I felt helpless for you. Prayers for another baby coming your way, "but if not" (look up shadrach, meshach & abednego), prayers for comfort and strength. :)

Tara Johnson said...

Ronae, thank you for your post. Colby and I also struggled and went through several tests and doctors trying to get pregnant. I know exactly how you feel. It is so hard but just like you said, look in the other room and look at that gorgeous little face that calls you mommy and we know how blessed we are. But thank you for your thoughts. I wish more people would realize that it isn't easy for everyone and that asking someone when they are having "another one," that that is really a personal question and people need to be careful and considerate. We never know what is going on in someone else's life. Love you friend!

Aubri said...

Oh, honey... I feel you. I really do. People SUCK when it comes to what should be one of the most sacred and PRIVATE things in our lives. When we went through our miscarriage in the spring, EVERYONE had an opinion... it was awful. I hate that you have to go through this, but I want you to know you are not alone. I'll keep you in my prayers, and put you two on the rolls at the temple too.

And you're right. "Relaxing" doesn't make babies. And the people who say that are morons. Don't EVER let them make you feel like you're doing something wrong, or not enough. Don't give them that power. You are amazing, and I love you!

The Black's said...

I have been thinking about you guys the last couple days and just thinking how hard it is and just wanted to let you know I hear ya....and know just how you feel!!! It stinks...and is rotten the way things work out sometimes and sometimes we just need to vent about it and know others have been through it too and let others know we are going through it and it is okay to talk about it!

It is these trials that prepare us to be those beautiful spirits worthy to live in our Saviors presence as much as they hurt they are preparing us for something bigger and more beautiful....that is what always got me through it!

love you guys!

Danielle said...

Aw Ronae, I love you and miss your girl! that is it! :)

Luke and Lindsy said...

I love you Ronae. You are such an example to me. I'm grateful for your friendship. I so appreciate your honesty like so many others who have commented already. It is perfectly ok to feel the way you feel. I can only imagine what you and Jon must be feeling and going through. I am also glad the little Liv has such great parents. She is one lucky red-headed squirt! I pray that you will find the peace and answers you seek. I'm always here if you need me. Wish we lived closer.

amber and john said...

My heart is breaking for you, Ronae. I can't even imagine how hard this trial is for you guys. You and Jon are amazing, and you have such a great attitude to be grateful for cute little Liv. Unfortunately we rarely know why we have to endure certain trials in our life, but at least we know we do gain strength from them. We'll be praying for you guys.

PS- It was so fun to see you this weekend! You and your mom did such a great job with Erin's shower.